I know some people who are really, really tall here in Tucson. They can grow 'em pretty tall in the midwest, I guess, but it's not like this. I mean, really, these people are giants. Maybe they grow taller here because they get so damn much friggin' sun all the time.
But obviously this is a post about tall people, and not one in which I complain about how hot it is again. So I will cease and desist with the defaming of the sun.
So these tall people who surround me...one of them was explaining to me on Saturday how when he's standing around in various situations the natures of which I'm not clear on exactly--
(but I nevertheless envision him standing in line at Oktoberfest or possibly waiting on his turn during a game of croquet while sipping a good scotch and finger-clapping for other people. Maybe? Does croquet ever elicit finger-clapping?)
--he will often notice that other people who are also standing around kind of shuffle purposefully about in such a way that they wind up in his shadow. So he creates shade for people who would otherwise have to stand about in the sun. Possibly while playing croquet. On Thanksgiving Day.
Well, this got me thinking.
You know something that tall people probably have to buy a lot of because, while they're busy altruistically casting shady spots for other people, the sun is hitting them full on in the face and also because they have more exposed surface area? You know, because they're bigger than other people?
And, hi, guess what. You can't buy sunscreen in Tucson in November. At least not at Safeway. You know why? Because it's not supposed to be sunny. Well, at least it's not supposed to be as sunny. But that's not the point anyway. We live in the desert. The desert. The desert. How can grocery stores with any sort of sense stop stocking sunscreen in September in the desert? And can you repeat that last sentence back to me three times fast? Tall people still need sunscreen in November. Maybe more than ever, with global warming and all.
And - even more frightening - according to my theory, the sun is creating ever taller folks all the time! Taller folks who will be unable to get sunscreen at Safeway when they most need it! During the winter holiday season!
I suppose if we just blindly let the sun bake our tall people the way Safeway would have us do, eventually there will be so many of them and they will be so tall that they'll cast enough shadow to shade large portions of the desert - maybe even Yuma - more or less continuously throughout the year. The overall climate will begin to shift. It will get cooler and wetter. (Uh...because it's my theory and I like rain.)
Eventually the creeks and rivers will begin to run, and young oaks and maples -- and maybe even daffodils! -- will sprout up through the gravel. Then -- and only then -- will it make sense for the stores to remove their sunscreen products at the end of August and begin selling wool sweaters halfway through September.
Maybe unprecented growth among Tucson's population of extremely tall people is the way to curb global warming. Maybe that's what Safeway's been up to all along.
Meanwhile, it's still November. It's still almost 90 degrees, and this wool sweater is killing me. Where's the nearest tall person? I could use a little shade.