suspect list

Our enemies are everywhere as evidenced by the pumpkin Peep stuck onto the antenna of my truck three weeks ago and further confirmed by the presence of a stalk of brussels sprouts left propped up against the front door of my house shortly before Thanksgiving. Who could harbor so much animosity towards us that they would leave these not-so-subtle hints of aggression on our property? Well. I have several suspects in mind.

Suspect #1. The first suspect is, of course, my friend Jen, otherwise known as Evil Jen (because she is my antithesis and I'm so good, you see. She's Evil and I'm Lightness & Ponies. It would all make perfect sense if you could meet her.) Evil Jen has the motivation (she is Evil); the determination (you should see her champion historically significant turn-of-the-century architecture); the ruthlessness (although it occurred to me this morning that I don't actually know the definition of "ruthlessness" because I have always assumed it doesn't mean "without a Ruth" but beyond that never gave it much thought); and she knows me well enough to know that food is my Achilles heel, if you will. Brussels sprouts on the doorstep and a Peep impaled on an antenna are right up her alley. Evil Jen is nothing if not subtle. And Evil.

Suspect #2. Our meth-dealing neighbors. They don't like us for various reasons, I'm sure, but mainly I believe because we have most of our teeth over here. I say "we", but I mean "me". Raphael grew up without the benefit of annual check-ups and also it's easier and cheaper just to yank 'em out is my understanding of his complicated dental situation. Anyway, domestic violence, meth-dealing, dog abuse, wielding guns in the street in front of our house...well, mister, it might be that you can just go ahead and add "threatening folks by poking adorable sparkly marshmallow holiday treats onto their car antennas" to the frightening list of activities they engage in. Shudder.

Suspect #3. Homeland Security. They've had it out for me ever since Laura and I began taunting them over the phone lines to keep ourselves entertained while waiting out the Bush Administration. I honestly didn't think they'd paid too much attention to our brazen flirtations, but the appearance of brussels sprouts on the porch certainly makes me suspicious. Who but the boys at Homeland Security would have the connections to make something like that happen in broad daylight? Think about it.

Suspect #4. Lila. Lila hates me because I won't let her eat my socks. And she's manipulative enough to do it, too. All of it. Whatever it is. (Hold on a second...Lila? Are your feet cold? Are you trying to tell me your feet are cold and you need some socks? And that I'm pretty and I'm super-smart and also I smell good? Oh, you're so sweet. Why don't you take my socks, honey.)

Suspect #5. Guatemala. Because I mocked their airport. (But come on, Guatemala. Jeez Louise. Who else's airport has a giant hole in it? What kind of operation are you running over there anyway?) And because I indirectly mocked their dentists. And they grow brussels sprouts there. I Googled it, so I know it's true. Guatemala exports brussels sprouts along with coffee, sugar, bananas, cardamom, textiles, apparel, and "non-traditional products" which I can only assume means "Peeps". So Guatemala would have the perfect alibi. "We were only delivering brussels sprouts and Peeps to Whole Foods. How can it be our fault that they wound up on the property of this detestable senorita? It might be, in fact, that they only fell off the truck. Yes. We believe this to be the case." Guatemala's had it in for me from day one.

I'll keep you all informed as my investigation continues. You'll be the first to know if we receive anymore blatant threats in the form of vegetables.

Halloween Jack!

My nephew Jack as a Dinofrogtiger who's very pleased with itself.

And while we're back on the subject of Halloween, the other day we noticed that someone had stuck an orange jack o'lantern Peep onto the truck's antenna. It's still there because, like Jack, it's cute.

Special Halloween Cloob #3

Raphael and I vacuumed up the real cobwebs and festooned the house with fake ones and then hosted a Special Halloween Cloob & Chili Party this past weekend (on Halloween!). If you remember, the Cloob is a beer-tasting thing in which every guest brings a six-pack (or other) of beer they'd like to try.

We missed Cloob #2, if you're curious. But I think we've made up for it.

Cloob #3 was a bit bigger and less organized than the first one, since all the original Cloobers were Halloween party-hopping the night away and therefore arrived at staggered and totally unpredictable intervals. So instead of an official "Everybody taste each beer while Erik tells us more than we ever figured he actually knew about why it tastes like that" kind of thing, we did an "Open whatever beer you want, pour some in a glass, and leave the rest on the table for someone else to try" kind of thing. And it worked surprisingly well.

The following morning while picking up bottles, I worked out a final count. We tasted a record 24 different beers. And there were another 12 kinds that we never even got to, including, regrettably, something called Horny Devil Ale and another called Piraat Ale featuring not only a picture of a pirate, but also a Viking ship.

Beer-tasting guests included: the Infected, two zombies, a sexy pirate, a fairy, a witch, a red Lego, a Mystery Woman, Swine Flu, a couple of creepy "things" wearing scary masks and brown Snuggies (as seen on tv!), two Ratt groupies on their way to a concert, a victim of the sinking of the Titanic, someone in a sparkly blue dress who bought the dress at Savers because it was cool, The Jesus (from "the Big Lebowski"), Elvis, and an aviator (Raphael: Are you a...dead aviator?" Aviator: No. Just an aviator. I didn't know there was a rule.) Oh, and Lila came as Jacob Black in werewolf form.


spooky beer line-up



Spider on a pulley-system in the bathroom. It moved when the door moved! Creepy!

















Jen is attacked by the Infected - who invited them anyway?









































Ratt groupies - and Grant



The Jesus


Becky wards off Swine Flu





I said this once before: "I have no vocabulary for this sort of thing, but I'm going to list the Cloob line-up and then I'm going to rate them on a scale of 1 to 10 for you. I'll call it Jenny's Scale of Beers (JSOB). Unless you're drawn to A. cheap domestics, B. Hefe-Weizens, or C. beers that taste like fruit, you can read 10 as being the best and 1 as being the least best. If you're partial to A, B, or C above, simply read the Scale backwards. Brilliant!"

The beers I Remember Trying:

Port Brewing Co. The Lost Abbey Devotion Ale
JSOB rating: 7.5

Four Peaks Kiltlifter Scottish-style Ale - I didn't actually try this one. I just know I like it.
JSOB rating: 7.5

Deschutes Black Butte Porter - same as above.
JSOB rating: 6

Nimbus Old Monkeyshine English-style Ale - Nimbus is a local Tucson brewery. Yes, I've had this many times while eating pizza from No Anchovies down by the U. So I didn't try it this time, but you can trust me.
JSOB rating: 9.5

Shipyard Pumpkinhead Ale
JSOB rating: 6

Avery White Rascal Belgian-style wheat ale - Hmmm.
JSOB rating: 1

Four+ Punk'n Harvest Pumpkin Ale
JSOB rating: 1

Dogfish Head Punkin Ale - I think I tried this one but I can't quite remember, so I probably shouldn't rate it.

Ska Nefarious Ten Pin Imperial Porter - I liked this one too. A lot.
JSOB rating: 9.5

Lagunitas Imperial Red - pretty good.
JSOB rating: 6.5

Ska Decadent Imperial I.P.A. - I already knew I liked this one enough to try it again anyway. Very tasty.
JSOB rating: 8.5

Chimay Ale Grand Reserve - Know I tried it. Can't remember if I liked it. Some useful beer tasting.

Rogue Chipotle Ale - Delicious! I loved this beer. Very chipotle.
JSOB rating: 9.5

The Lost Abbey Judgement Day Ale (brewed with raisins!) - dark and really, really tasty, despite the raisins.
JSOB rating 9.5

There was a German beer I didn't like at all, but I can't figure out which one it was.
JSOB rating: 1

I should also mention Erik's homebrew. It was right up there with the nine-fivers on the JSOB. It went fast.

the real reason they do what I say:

Now you know.

the sandwich diaries

This is my lunch:
Two hot dogs with mustard, mayo, relish, and onions. A bag of Cheetos. A Famous Amos chocolate chip cookie. A Mountain Dew. All for a mere five dollars at the "raise money for military families" tent in the courtyard.

This is what I'm pondering:
1. My Mountain Dew can says "mtn dew". Is "mtn dew" hipper than "Mountain Dew"?
2. Will I carve a mean pumpkin or a silly pumpkin this year?
3. A mean pumpkin, of course. I only carve mean pumpkins. Which maybe has something to do with my childhood.
4. I do really like hot dogs.
5. And Cheetos.
6. But not mtn dew so much.

i probably don't have tetanus - but bears could be anywhere

Now, lockjaw's something I probably don't worry about often enough.

In fact it's not on the list of things I regularly worry about at all. If you could count all the incidences of worrying that I engage in during the course of a year, you would probably find "Raphael's been attacked by a gang of ruffians (or other) while biking home from school at three o'clock in the morning and no one has found him yet is it time to call the cops?" at the top of the list, followed closely by "bears", and, after that, "mountain lions".

But lockjaw is somewhere on a different list altogether. It's on the "Things I SHOULD Be Worried About Such As, For Example, Lockjaw And Accidentally Hitting A Bicyclist During Rush Hour" List.

Because I'm an archaeologist, right, and we're constantly picking up pointy metal debris and climbing barbed wire fences and sorting through piles of old structural material is why I ought to think more about lockjaw. Or maybe not lockjaw per se (which kills one out of five people, by the way - did you know this? And not tell me?) but definitely tetanus vaccinations.

As it is, I think about tetanus vaccinations only on days like today when I am closing a gate and get punctured by barbed wire. The first thing I think is: "Did I get my last tetanus shot in 1998 or 1999?" And then after that, all my other thoughts go straight downhill, and I will tell you it's hard to be an effective instructor when someone says to you, "I think I plotted my rock pile on the wrong side of the center line," and your reaction is: "Center line? Rock pile?!? Are you CRAZY? I'M going to get LOCKJAW!" Or someone says, "An ant just crawled up my pants and it BIT me," and your reaction is: "Don't you GET IT?!? I'm going to be DEAD by MONDAY! Or eating through a STRAW! Or WORSE!!!"

Okay, I didn't really think those things. But I did go get vaccinated for tetanus on the way home from work, so at least now I have matching, hurty puncture wounds on both arms. I'm symmetrical. And according to the adorably cute person named Stephanie who vaccinated me at the Walgreens mini-clinic, I should live through the weekend unless a bear gets me.

Oh, and also? I learned how to run a backhoe yesterday. I dug trenches and didn't swing the bucket into the side of anyone's skull or anything. Although I guess that has to go on one list or the other at this point.

the sandwich diaries

This is my lunch:
Two slices of Swiss cheese. Three slices of salami. Mayo. Worst sandwich in the history of sandwiches.

This is why I'm so tired:

After class last night, I went to Bison Witches for beer and sandwiches with four other writing students. I got the stool at the end of the booth which made me the tallest and therefore in charge, but I don't think anyone else was familiar with the rules. I had a Stone IPA. I was so tired to begin with that it almost toppled me off the stool. I didn't get home until 11:00 (the Witching Hour). Class ended at nine o'clock (the Bison Witching Hour). But it was totally worth it.