If I'm going to run for president, I'm going to have create some kind of wishy-washy scandal about my personal life to generate interest in my campaign and keep me popular once I'm in White House filing my nails, or whatever else it is that I'll doing there.
Plus, we'll need something to talk about by then since I will have ended the Iraq war by shipping over huge crates of puppies and baby penguins to everybody (everybody!) and also cooked them dinner or gotten in with their grandmothers by taking out their garbage or painting their fence. No one can hate someone their grandma adores. At least you can't throw bombs at them.
I also pledge to not start any additional wars, once Iraq is resolved and once the giant evil robot truck rebellion has been put down. And that one's not technically going to be a war anyway; mainly we're just going to open up a can of whupass on them before they even clamber down fully sentient off the assembly line. It's not technically a war if it's an ambush.
Yessir, no wars on my watch. If there are disagreements or disputes over who gets to have nuclear capabilities or who had Pakistan first, we will all sit down and discuss them like adults over vodka lime freezes and calamari. Because I'm the leader of the free world, that's why.
I know this "peace" thing is sort of an unpopular view around here. I think it's safe to say that most of us would rather run somebody over than shake their hand when they cut us off in their tiny two-door wussy mama's-boy cars that are painted champagne. And anyway, how are we going to spend our time without any wars? How will we know what to talk to each other about over dinner and at staff meetings and during traffic? Dear god, how will our children learn to solve their problems?
Well, in my role as the YES party candidate of choice, I've been thinking about this for a good long time now (almost six minutes) and I think I have a pretty elegant solution:
And also how about this:
Try writing down a bunch of conversation starters on little pieces of paper, putting them in a hat, and teaching your children to turn their Ipods off in front of their elders and while driving and also while in class. Then force them to pull a scrap of paper from the hat and make some decent conversation that doesn't involve that open-mouthed yah they like to use for a change. There, do I sound like an 85-year-old enough for you? I would make an awesome president.
Okay, also how about this:
When I'm president, everyone will be required to have a fire-pit in their backyard. And you also have to have a backyard. Attached to a house. If you don't have these things, the government will provide them, but you must prove that you are maintaining your new property in a fashion that doesn't annoy your neighbors too much and not beating your wife or you will have to go live with your parents. Yah.
And Sundays will be Chill Out Day. For real. Every Sunday. All stores will be closed by presidential decree. You will have to buy your firewood on Saturday night or swipe part of your neighbor's tool shed which was totally going to fall down anyway. Remember to buy beer too, because no stores will be open on Sunday. Everyone will be at home with their families and/or friends sipping cervezas and basking in the warm glow of the neighbor's tool shed. Reconnecting. Rebuilding. Reinventing. The American Family. But for real this time. With me as president, you don't have to be married and straight to make a family. But you can be if you want to.
I have distracted myself with rhetoric for too long. It's time to get this party started. Now, as soon as I can get the fund-raising on the road, I'm on my way.
Vote yes to YES, the party of yes!