"camping with dog"

Dog is going camping with us this weekend for the first time ever. And, like a new mom taking her excessively hairy infant on its first cross-country flight, I'm finding myself obsessively Googling "camping with dog" so that I can be prepared.

Bowls? Check!
Leash? Check!
Chew toys? Check!
Food? Check!
Extra food? Yes!
Pupperoni? Check!
Extra towel? Yes. Check
Plastic bags for scooping? Okay. Check
Rabies shot? Uh...check
Tick removal system? Uh...
Tether? Crate? Seatbelt harness? Mmm...
Benedryl in case of bee stings? Huh.
Socks in case of paw injury? Bandages that stick to fur? Certificate of health? Skunk de-smellerizer? Extra collar and leash? Tweezers? Bed? Tag that includes name of campsite or says "Contact ranger if found"? Microchip? Second dog, in case of loss of first dog?

Good god.

Do new mothers who Google "flying with infant" start wondering if their child will bite a flight attendant or attempt to pry open a window and leap out? Probably. Because that's what Googling does to a person. All those scenarios you didn't think about before have already happened to someone else. And that someone else has blogged about them. Trust me.

Before you Google, you think naively: "Oh, little (insert name of child/pet) will have a wonderful time flying/camping! Maybe someday, s/he will look back fondly on this great adventure and decide to become a pilot/flight attendant/park ranger/pet who camps regularly!"

Halfway through Googling, you're thinking: "Holy crap. I can't let little (insert name of child/pet) go flying/camping! It's going to be an unmitigated disaster! S/he's not up on her/his shots! I can't possibly carry enough food on my person to sustain her/him should the plane go down/campsite catch fire or some other event of a horrible nature occur! And I can't afford to get sued if a flight attendant/park ranger gets rabies after being bitten by my child/pet!"

And by the time you've exhausted all possible searchword combinations: "There's NO WAY IN HELL that I am taking this child/pet flying/camping. We are instead going to sit right here and stare at this wall. Until I start wondering how exactly that's going to affect our eyesight when we are elderly."

Lucky for me, the Guatemalan rarely Googles and is certainly not Googling "camping with dog". In fact, he should be purchasing a new tether and a huge bag of Pupperoni AS WE SPEAK.

So now all I really have to worry about is getting eaten by bears looking for deliciously sausagey dog treats. At least it's a much shorter list.