It's recently come to my attention (thanks to my hard-drinking cousin Melinda) that I don't engage in drinking games anywhere near often enough. Opportunities for drinking games zoom past my head on a regular basis, apparently. The most obvious to me now were the presidential debates. Zooomm. Shoulda been doing shots. Too late now, I suppose. Although I would guess the next four years, regardless of who wins, will be rife with possibility when it comes to drinking games.
Well, I’m not missing any more election year drinking opportunities, dammit. I’ve got two-and-a-half months. It’s time to stagger aboard the drinking game train and CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! And then pass out. Or whatever. It’s a dangerous game, this. You may wind up in states you’ve never heard of. You may wind up peeing in receptacles never meant to be peed in.
With all that in mind, I’ve now created The Greatest Drinking Game Ever Played.
The GDGEP lasts from the point at which you enter the game until 11:59 p.m. on December 31, 2008, and the most important rule is: once you’re in, you’re in. That means two-and-a-half-months of commitment. At all times you must be prepared to stop everything and drink. The GDGEP trumps all so-called “responsible behavior” so just get that out of your head right now.
Rule #1. Every time your pet appears to be irritated with you. One drink. An Aggravation.
Rule #2. Every time your child appears to be irritated with you. Two jello shots. Your child's choice of flavor.
Rule #3. Someone you know announces a pregnancy. One sip. A nice rose.
Rule #4. Every time you hit the Snooze Button. One swig. Irish coffee.
Rule #5. Whenever someone says, “You betcha, friend!” One shot. Tequila. Then another one.
Rule #6. The Dow goes up. Two drinks. Champagne.
Rule #7. The Dow goes down. Three drinks. Whiskey.
Rule #8. You live in a swing state. One shot if it looks good for your candidate. Two shots if it looks bad. As often as necessary. Alcohol of choice.
Rule #9. You live in a blue state. One drink. Cranberry-and-vodka.
Rule #10. You live in a red state. One shot. Blue Curacao.
Rule #11. Each time you hear the word “economy.” Four beers. Pabst Blue Ribbon.
Rule #12. Every time you receive a paycheck. One sip. Beverage of choice.
Rule #13. Every time someone “friends” you on Facebook. Two shots. Schnapps.
Rule #14. Whenever turkey is part of your meal. One glass. White Zin.
Rule #15. For each trick-or-treater who comes to your door. One Pumpkin Pie Shot.
Rule #16. You see an attack ad on Obama. One shot if you’re voting for McCain. Two shots if you’re voting for Obama. Goldschlager.
Rule #17. You see an attack ad on McCain. One shot if you’re voting for Obama. Two shots if you’re voting for McCain. Goldschlager.
Rule #18. Every time Raphael earns an “A” on a paper. Five beers. Raphael’s choice of beer.
Rule #19. Everyone must chug a beer on November 4th.
Rule #20. Anyone still sober by Thanksgiving must consume apple pie shots every hour upon the hour until sobriety is no longer an issue.
And remember: Drink Responsibly - if you must drink at work, lock the bathroom door.