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Thursday, December 3

suspect list

Our enemies are everywhere as evidenced by the pumpkin Peep stuck onto the antenna of my truck three weeks ago and further confirmed by the presence of a stalk of brussels sprouts left propped up against the front door of my house shortly before Thanksgiving. Who could harbor so much animosity towards us that they would leave these not-so-subtle hints of aggression on our property? Well. I have several suspects in mind.

Suspect #1. The first suspect is, of course, my friend Jen, otherwise known as Evil Jen (because she is my antithesis and I'm so good, you see. She's Evil and I'm Lightness & Ponies. It would all make perfect sense if you could meet her.) Evil Jen has the motivation (she is Evil); the determination (you should see her champion historically significant turn-of-the-century architecture); the ruthlessness (although it occurred to me this morning that I don't actually know the definition of "ruthlessness" because I have always assumed it doesn't mean "without a Ruth" but beyond that never gave it much thought); and she knows me well enough to know that food is my Achilles heel, if you will. Brussels sprouts on the doorstep and a Peep impaled on an antenna are right up her alley. Evil Jen is nothing if not subtle. And Evil.

Suspect #2. Our meth-dealing neighbors. They don't like us for various reasons, I'm sure, but mainly I believe because we have most of our teeth over here. I say "we", but I mean "me". Raphael grew up without the benefit of annual check-ups and also it's easier and cheaper just to yank 'em out is my understanding of his complicated dental situation. Anyway, domestic violence, meth-dealing, dog abuse, wielding guns in the street in front of our house...well, mister, it might be that you can just go ahead and add "threatening folks by poking adorable sparkly marshmallow holiday treats onto their car antennas" to the frightening list of activities they engage in. Shudder.

Suspect #3. Homeland Security. They've had it out for me ever since Laura and I began taunting them over the phone lines to keep ourselves entertained while waiting out the Bush Administration. I honestly didn't think they'd paid too much attention to our brazen flirtations, but the appearance of brussels sprouts on the porch certainly makes me suspicious. Who but the boys at Homeland Security would have the connections to make something like that happen in broad daylight? Think about it.

Suspect #4. Lila. Lila hates me because I won't let her eat my socks. And she's manipulative enough to do it, too. All of it. Whatever it is. (Hold on a second...Lila? Are your feet cold? Are you trying to tell me your feet are cold and you need some socks? And that I'm pretty and I'm super-smart and also I smell good? Oh, you're so sweet. Why don't you take my socks, honey.)

Suspect #5. Guatemala. Because I mocked their airport. (But come on, Guatemala. Jeez Louise. Who else's airport has a giant hole in it? What kind of operation are you running over there anyway?) And because I indirectly mocked their dentists. And they grow brussels sprouts there. I Googled it, so I know it's true. Guatemala exports brussels sprouts along with coffee, sugar, bananas, cardamom, textiles, apparel, and "non-traditional products" which I can only assume means "Peeps". So Guatemala would have the perfect alibi. "We were only delivering brussels sprouts and Peeps to Whole Foods. How can it be our fault that they wound up on the property of this detestable senorita? It might be, in fact, that they only fell off the truck. Yes. We believe this to be the case." Guatemala's had it in for me from day one.

I'll keep you all informed as my investigation continues. You'll be the first to know if we receive anymore blatant threats in the form of vegetables.