Sunday, March 28

spring blues (also purples, pinks, and yellows)

Hi! I'm having lunch on a sunny, windy Sunday afternoon out here on the patio. (A bunless hot dog and fruit salad, that's what.) Lots of big, important questions are swirling through my brain such as: Should I plant zucchini again this year? Is it too late to plant zucchini? Is it too early? If I plant zucchini again is it going to turn out to be some kind of yellow squash or something and then die like what happened last year? Things like that.

I'm not going to resolve those questions this afternoon, anyway, because this afternoon, after finishing this post and hanging the laundry, I plan to sit in the sun with a beer and my new copy of House Beautiful and drink beer and become motivated to create in my house the "new look of wood" (which is what the cover suggests I will want to do after reading the magazine). As if we don't have enough wood around this place to bludgeon a large sea-dwelling mammal which I would never do. We have a lot of wood around here, is what I'm saying, because of Raphael being a woodworker and everything. So after laundry and writing and becoming motivated to include yet more wood in my decorating scheme, I'm going to go clean my house, because reading decorating magazines always makes me want to throw everything I own away, and then I'm going to grill some kabobs.

Two things about my state of mind right now: 1. Raphael just left this morning for Guatemala where his father is in the hospital, and 2. the wildflowers we planted in the backyard are beginning to bloom. It's early still, but we've already got orange, fuchsia, yellow, purpley-blue, white, and lavender blooms. They're beautiful and delicate and they glow when the sun starts to go down.

What I mean by telling you that, is...what? That everything I'm thinking about lately is a confused by every other thing. I don't know. I think it's why I haven't felt like writing. I'm sure you've felt like this before. Mentally tied up in knots. Happy. Sad. In-control. Out-of-control. Laugh-ey. Cry-ey. Feel free to add your own dichotomies.

My aunt asked me the other day if I haven't written recently because I'm "phasing out" the blog. I'm not sure exactly what that means but it sounds kind of Matrix-y to me so I don't think that's what I'm doing. My life is disappointingly un-Matrixy (as far as I know). Also, it sounds like it might take more concentrated energy than I can muster. I guess I've just been taking a break from it, is all, until I can figure out why I feel so unsettled and so saddened by everything that seems to be going on everywhere these days. Although I know exactly what I need to do, and - here, I'll write it down so that I know that you know and then I'll feel guilty for slacking when people start asking if I'm doing any of it.

What I need to do is wander around the yard every day and examine the new buds. (come onnnnn pink ones!) I need to sit in the sun and read about how the addition of more wood to my lifestyle, if that's even possible, will improve my standard of living and generally make me a better person. I need to plant zucchini and peppers and buy another basil plant because I don't know what's going on with the old one (other than that I think it's essentially dead). I need to write more, even when it's that last thing I feel like doing. Maybe especially when it's the last thing I feel like doing. And boy-ever do I need to go hang the laundry. Because there's nothing like mildewy underwear to take the shine off the day.

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