jenny's Best Tips* for living on a budget

free pitbull**

Eating:  Don't eat!

Decor: Other people's trash is your new best friend. Tables, chairs, rugs, Christmas trees. Check the alleys and watch the sides of the road! That Christmas tree may be a bit crunchy, and it may be Easter time, but don't you forget what's important here - that tree is free!

Pets:  Why pay for pets when you can find pets in the street for free?  You can always snag yourself an "outside" cat or a wayward pitbull.  Just look out the window.  There's one now!

Nights Out/Concerts:  Have other people pay for them.  Try this line - "Mom,they're going to deport my spouse and I don't have the money to pay for a lawyer! Can you send me a series of large checks?!" (Caution! This tactic can backfire - for example when your mom doesn't particularly care for your spouse. Or when you actually have some kind of potential deportation emergency and you have now spent all your mother's gardening money on cafe lattes, lemon scones, and Lady Gaga.***)  

Relationships: Date doctors! If you can't date doctors, then communication is the best way to save yourself money when you're in a relationship. Communication is cheap. In fact, it's practically free!  (Depending on the nature of your relationship, of course.)  Designate one bill-payer so that late fees are minimized. ("I thought you paid it."  "I thought you paid it." "Look.Whatever. I am not going to argue with you about this while it's so dark in here.") Never let your spouse go shopping when he's hungry. ("I bought six jars of jalapeno-stuffed olives and a strawberry cake. Those are staples, right?") Communicate to your spouse gently but firmly (and reiterate it as often as necessary) that, no, in fact you do not need a second sixty-five pound behemoth dog living under your roof, sleeping in your bed with you, and inhaling fifty dollars worth of dog food every month. Seriously. You mean it.

free eggplants

Education:  What education!  Don't worry about it!  You don't need a degree!  You're smarter than those damn professors anyway!  (And if worse comes to worse, try Wikipedia.)

Utilities:  Live out of your truck.  Have your dog (see "pets" above) do your dishes.   Use your neighbors' bathroom a lot.  In addition to water, you'll also save tons on unnecessary and costly products such as soap! 

    

Eggplants:  Get to know people who grow eggplants.  Persuade them to give you eggplants.****

* "Best Tips", "Bad Tips", whatever.  I trust you to know the difference.  I'm particularly kidding about the pet thing, of course.  You should never keep someone else's pet, kids!  Bad form! You wouldn't want some cheapskate to keep your pitbull just because he wasn't willing to fork out for a pomeranian, would you?

** In fact, we were foster parents for 18 hours to a lost puppy last night and this morning.  We found him in our yard and plied him with treats.  It didn't take much in the way of plying to get him on a leash (Treats! OMG!  Shriek!).  We took him to the Humane Society this afternoon (thereby NOT saving the thirty-five dollar intake fee, but potentially saving his life).  And yes.  Raphael wants to adopt him. 

*** I'd like to make it abundantly clear that the deportation-lemon scone-Lady Gaga situation is hypothetical.  In fact, I have never tried to save money this way.  

**** Anyone know what to do with eggplants?

"Found" wreath.  Thanks, trash!