Guys. You know this, right? Most food relies on stylists to make it look amazing in pictures. I mean if people are going to be persuaded to buy it and everything. It's marketing, people. Which is a type of science. It's the science of selling fast food burgers (which, have you seen one of those puppies in real life? No wonder food stylists are an integral part of society.) and canned beans. How many times have you opened a can of what the label indicates are plump, glistening beans and upon witnessing the actual contents of the can said to yourself (unenthusiastically and possibly while in tears):
I have it on good authority that the food stylists accomplish their wizardry by performing unspeakable acts on the food in question before it gets photographed. Examples of these acts include, but sadly are not limited to: spraying it with glycerin or deodorant, puffing it up with cardboard or hat pins, and attacking it with power tools or honey badgers. And good god, I don't even want to talk about the shoe polish.
Well, I want you to know that I'm a purist. Or at least I'm not a food stylist. Any food I post a picture of here has never been thickened with glue, licked by mules, or touched by even a dab of motor oil. Furthermore, you can rest assured that the Guatemalan is just out of the frame banging his cutlery against the table in quiet desperation because whatever I'm taking a picture of is probably something he's supposed to be eating.
That's the historical context for this post. And now I'd like to share something amazing with you that's going to blow your mind.
Recently, I cracked an egg. And this happened:
I mean, are you kidding me?!
I know enough about the food styling business (based largely on what the internet thinks) to know that a real-life food stylist would have to spend hours and traumatize dozens of hens to get an egg to look like it cracked this way under natural circumstances. Not to mention it would involve at minimum an X-Acto knife, a Sharpie*, a blowtorch, some cold cream, and god knows how many pairs of tweezers.
I used two clothespins to hold the egg in place during its photo shoot.
But not a single wolverine.
|No eggs were harmed in the making of this post.|
* Sharpie is on Facebook, by the way. You should be friends with it**.
** Because someone should, that's why. And who among us doesn't love Sharpies?