Wednesday, August 15

Pepsi as a Path to Enlightenment

I have discovered a magic Pepsi machine at work.

In the past 8 months, it has given me two free Pepsis, one really cheap Pepsi, and 15 cents. At this point, I guess it's fair to say that I am making money on it. It's kind of like the story about the loaves and fishes, only it's about quarters and Pepsis. Actually, with its unique and compassionate brand of Pepsi-related wisdom, it's probably more like my personal Zen Pepsi machine master. It doesn't just shoot out a Pepsi. It always teaches me a gentle lesson about human folly first. I'm sure it's smiling peacefully as it does this. Deep down, within its humble, tranquil mechanical bowels where it hangs prayer flags and burns incense and meditates during the quiet days after summer session grades are in. It makes me earn those calories. I must Become Wise before I am shown the Path to Caffeination.

Normally, my education goes something like this:

1. I approach the Pepsi machine with dollar bill in hand.

2. I carefully smooth out corners of dollar bill.

3. I gently attempt to insert dollar bill into dollar bill slot on Pepsi machine.

4. Nothing happens.

5. I smooth corners of dollar bill again. Maybe twice.

6. I attempt to insert bill slowly into slot, humming something soothing.

7. Nothing happens.

8. I freak out, crushing dollar bill in man-like fist, and yell something like, "Take the stupid dollar bill, you dumb Pepsi machine! Why. Aren't. You. Coke?!?"

9. I slam my fist against a random button.

10. A Pepsi drops out.

11. I am that much closer to Enlightenment.

12. Also, I am finally Caffeinated.

13. I smile tranquilly and follow the Path back to my office.

1 comment:

Wingal said...

Hmm... I have had similar experiences with our Dasani machine in the Humanities building; only, all I want is plain water and it has now, on two occasions, given me two raspberry-flavored waters instead of one plain.

The enlightenment I have experienced comes in now knowing that not only does raspberry-flavored Dasani water taste like ass, but that the Dasani machine knows this and is clearly trying to get rid of it.