Tuesday, January 29

something made neurotic

My creative writing class convened for the first time last night.

First of all, I find it interesting (and it also kind of weirds me out) that there are three archaeologists in the class. It turns out archaeologists are everywhere, walking around on the streets just like normal folks. Turn around, you trip over us. So please look where you're going. We also bleed - just like you.

Secondly, and more to the point, we did a brief exercise that produced illuminating, if not necessarily shocking, results. The idea is to arm ourselves against writer's block (as if this is possible! Ha ha, Crazy Teacher!). With this in mind, we wrote "I would write except..." and proceeded to fill up the rest of the page with our reasons. Or, rather, our excuses, which of course have a lot to do with our fears.

At the top of my list? "I have nothing interesting to say."

Now, I've known that I feel this way for a long time. But writing it down brought it to the front of my brain where it's now sitting in my nasal cavity hissing at me in an annoying manner.

I have nothing interesting to say? Is that really true? Can that possibly be true for anyone? And how sad, if it's so!

How can it be, I am now wondering, that I believe I have nothing interesting to say when I talk so much and have so many goshdarn opinions (just ask me!) about things ranging from curtain color (goldish-olive) to Intelligent Design (or whatever) to canned soups (no).

Surely I have as many interesting things to say as everyone else. The real question may very well be - at least I hope it is - "Why am I not writing about interesting things?" We never established who has to find them interesting, after all, so it can't be that hard, can it? Look at all the people who wax eloquently about needlepoint or rabbit care or the color of their child's IQ. Or the merits of bikini waxing. Speaking of waxing.

What care do I have for how smart you all think your rabbits are?! Yet you continue to write about it! Because you find it interesting - and there are other rabbit-loving bikini-waxers who also find it interesting and have follow-up opinions about it.

But, frankly, it thrills me to see how much you enjoy it. Although it also makes me envious. Because look at you! You never run out of things to say or people who will listen to you! People love you, you crazy waxing rabbit people! Unlike me - unwaxed, childless freak that I am who never even had a rabbit.

So I am now initiating a quest to find out what interesting things I am thinking that I am not writing about.

Let's see. The other night, I walked across the street to feed a friend's cats. In the dark. No streetlights. Spooky. That one scary neighbor and everything. AND...

precisely nothing happened.

So. Well, my daily life is apparently not it.

I could talk about politics, I guess. I could try. Maybe I have some interesting opinions about...oh, who am I kidding. The only things politics ever did for me were get me out of jury duty and make me wish I could function more rationally when I'm pissed off. I hate talking about politics. I am abysmally illiterate at politics.

I'd rather discuss food. So maybe I could focus on everything culinary. Do you want to hear about food? Because I just made a kick-ass box macaroni and cheese meal with frozen peas! ...Right, yeah, it's bumming me out too. I wanted chicken marsala and risotto, but it turned out I was too lazy to thaw the chicken. Or buy the marsala. Or find the frying pan.

Maybe if I had a child I could write child-related things that are interesting. I could - Hey, you're supposed to be in bed. Go back to bed.

I could write about - No, come on. Seriously. Go back to bed...Water? Okay, hang on...Alright, now go back to bed.

I think if I had a child, I could discuss - Dear God! How many of you are there?!? Nevermind, just get back in that bedroom. Now!

That is, I would like to analyze the merits of - Oh no F---in' way. No. F---in'. Way. You are not asking for stories. And who is that? Your sister? I don't think so. If you do not go back to bed - every last one of you - right now, I am totally selling you to Gypsies.

I'm picking up the phone...

Maybe kids wouldn't work either.

I guess this will be an ongoing discussion between me and that thing sitting behind my nose. If there's anything interesting out there waiting for me to write about it, we'll find it. And if we don't find it...well, there are plenty of needlepointing rabbit owners with opinions about bikini waxing out there. I'm sure you'll find something interesting to read.

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