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Midtown Tucson neighborhoods, by and large, lack sidewalks. This doesn't bother me since sidewalks are one of the primary places where people step in poo, and lately poo has become too much of a fixture in my life.

I was on the phone with Sara last night, having an innocent conversation about Hawaii and archaeology and whatnot, when some baby-related flurry of activity occurred on the other end of the line and then Sara's voice shouted from far away, "Oh no! I'm covered with poo!"

Naturally, this whirred my imagination into urgent activity and I instantly remembered that, some months ago, my own nephew managed somehow to cover his mother with poo as well.

Coincidence? Or diabolical plan?

At first, I suspected inferior diapers. Perhaps lead-laced diapers with malfunctioning velcro systems imported from China were to blame. The overwhelming evidence, however, seems to indicate that there's something more sinister at work here than I initially thought. After hearing these two horrifying tales and stepping in dried cow poo once a couple months ago, and also having a student hand me a rabbit dropping with a sly smile and a "Jenny? What's this?", and the time the seagull pooed on my six-year-old sister, and oh god, the waves of cats passing through our front yard and pooing in our gravel EVERY NIGHT -- it just goes on and on -- I can only conclude that the American People are At Risk. From poo.

Here in Tucson, we Midtowners are doing our part to protect our country from those who want to smear us with poo for some reason by working to keep our neighborhoods sidewalk-free. You, too, can play an important role in the fight. Consider forming Poo Patrols in your own neighborhoods, or keeping warm, wet washcloths handy in the event of a Poo Emergency. Most importantly, keep yourself informed.

This has been a Public Service Announcement. In spite of what you may think.