you'd rather hear about julie's visit and what exactly happened in the hot tub after the free martinis...(I'm totally kidding!) (but ask me later)

I have this sinus infection that I'm 99 percent sure is something much more sinister than a sinus infection. Mucus could not cause this headache. It has to be little army men jabbing things into my skull from the inside.

Today, it's worse than ever, even though I've been medicating myself heavily since Monday morning. If I look down or stand up or turn my head or try to put on pants or hear anything pertaining to the Health Care Debate, these throbs of pain and pressure make me sure that the army men have mutated into malignant tumors. (But then the throbbing subsides and I return to reality.)

I dropped a contact on the floor this morning. It was so brutal.

This thing came on last Saturday, right after my sister left. I've done everything in my power to make it go away, although until just now, I believed that my powers in this situation were limited to taking antibiotics, scarfing down Sudafed and Ibuprofin, sniffing Nasonex and some sort of nasal irrigation spray recommended by my doctor, and inhaling steam which I've been too lazy to actually make happen.

Having just spent thirty-seven seconds perusing the internet, however, I've discovered a few additional remedies that a person with a sinus headache could try.

I could try, for example, something called Jal neti which is apparently a yogic method of cleaning out the nostrils and sinuses (presumably involving sending in tiny military forces to thwart the ruthless takeover of my sinus pockets by corrupted army men with jabby things). But for this, I'd have to have supervision, according to the internet, and I suppose Lila doesn't count.

I could make a "decoction" of mustard seed powder and water which "if instilled in the nostrils, redresses migraines." But only if I knew what a decoction was and how exactly one instills it into one's nostrils and if the whole idea didn't frighten me so much.

According to the internet, the juice of ripe grapes is good for a sinus headache. Are we talking about wine? Drinking ourselves into oblivion until we can no longer feel the pain? Who knows. At any rate, I don't have any grapes.

Also, I'm supposed to eat a jalapeno "as soon as possible." But I won't be doing that.

What I may actually try, if this headache doesn't subside soon, is one of the various types of pastes the internet suggests. Cinnamon, basil, cloves, ginger, etc. mixed with water and applied to the forehead. Mmm. I'm going to smell like cookies. And I'm going to try some essential oils in steam, I guess, since I have them and if boiling the water doesn't hurt too much.

But until the water boils, coffee coffee coffee. If I can get the army men jittery enough, they won't be able to aim straight. That should do it.