It started yesterday. Innocently. Like babies. Riding ponies. On a rainbow.
But how was I to know that the rainbow was nothing more than pretty smoke? And the ponies were lame? And the babies had fangs? HOW WAS I TO KNOW?!?
Scene: Lila and I are in the backyard. It's a mildly warm day. Some wind. Lila is tempting me with a filthy Kong AirDog ball. I reach out to pet her.
Me: Lila, all this crazy running after the Kong AirDog ball has gotten you pretty dusty. Let me get the Furminator and we'll get some of that dust out of your coat.
Lila: I'm fine. Really. What's a little dust between friends? Want my Kong AirDog ball?
Me: No no, it's okay. This will just take a minute. You're not shedding much lately, so... let me just...
Lila: I'm FINE. Take the ball. For the love of God, TAKE IT.
Me: Here's the brush. Now just hold still for one minute...
Lila: No. NOOOOOOOO!
Me: Oh. Oh...SWEET JESUS.
Lila: Leave me be! You mustn't see me like this!
Me: How is is possible that you can lose THIS MUCH FUR and still qualify as an mammal?!?
Lila: I'm hideous!
Me: You're not hideous. You're just...losing a LOT of fur. Look, here. Look at this giant puff. It's like you're a dandelion.
Lila: (Sobbing) I'm a monster!
Me: Oh my God, it's sticking to me. It's STICKING TO ME.
Lila: Go. Go! Get out of here while there's still time!
Me: It won't come off. IT WON'T COME OFF.
Lila: I'm frightened.
Me: IT'S STICKING TO MY LEGGINGS! IT'S EVERYWHERE!!
Lila: Didn't I tell you not to Furminate me? Didn't I?
And then I collapsed under the weight of the fur that clung to me, and Lila ran into the house to grow new fur and disseminate it in our bed.
The end. Or is it only the beginning...? (Scarrrry muusssic.)