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Saturday, February 26

another hair-raising tail

It started yesterday.  Innocently.  Like babies.  Riding ponies.  On a rainbow.  

But how was I to know that the rainbow was nothing more than pretty smoke?  And the ponies were lame?  And the babies had fangs?  HOW WAS I TO KNOW?!?


Scene:  Lila and I are in the backyard.  It's a mildly warm day.  Some wind.  Lila is tempting me with a filthy Kong AirDog ball.  I reach out to pet her.

Me:  Lila, all this crazy running after the Kong AirDog ball has gotten you pretty dusty. Let me get the Furminator and we'll get some of that dust out of your coat.

Lila:  I'm fine. Really. What's a little dust between friends?  Want my Kong AirDog ball?

Me: No no, it's okay. This will just take a minute. You're not shedding much lately, so... let me just...

Lila:  I'm FINE.  Take the ball.  For the love of God, TAKE IT.

Me: Here's the brush. Now just hold still for one minute...

Lila:  No.  NOOOOOOOO!

Me: Oh.  Oh...SWEET JESUS.

Lila: Leave me be!  You mustn't see me like this!

Me: How is is possible that you can lose THIS MUCH FUR and still qualify as an mammal?!?

Lila:  I'm hideous!

Me: You're not hideous. You're just...losing a LOT of fur. Look, here. Look at this giant puff. It's like you're a dandelion.

Lila: (Sobbing) I'm a monster!

Me:  Oh my God, it's sticking to me.  It's STICKING TO ME.

Lila:  Go. Go! Get out of here while there's still time!

Me: It won't come off.  IT WON'T COME OFF.

Lila: I'm frightened.

Me:  IT'S STICKING TO MY LEGGINGS!  IT'S EVERYWHERE!!

Lila:  Didn't I tell you not to Furminate me?  Didn't I?

ME:  AAAAACCKKK!!

And then I collapsed under the weight of the fur that clung to me, and Lila ran into the house to grow new fur and disseminate it in our bed. 

The end.  Or is it only the beginning...?  (Scarrrry muusssic.)

3 comments:

aracely said...

lol! your the funniest girl jenny!

Melinda said...

Considering that your dog is about 7,000 times bigger than my dog and I know how much hair my little Furminator gets off of HER...I am kind of scared right now.

imperfecthappiness said...

I think this is closer to what my husband hoped would happen when we bought a Furminator for my aunt's dog than what actually happened (which was a fair amount of fur, but nothing mind-blowing).