SHOWING BIG MUSCLES FOR TO SCARING PEOPLES!

You're in for a treat today! Or...well...more specifically, Raphael and the Vegan Neighbors* are in for a treat today.

Sweatpants on?  Check.
Earrings out?  Check.
Casual yet adorably perky and subtly flirtatious ponytail?  Check.
Florence + The Machine, The Lonely Island, and Salt-n-Pepa keyed up on Spotify?  Check.
Fortified with sausage cassoulet?  Check.
Dog in?  Check.
Dog out? Check.
Space heater on? Check.
Dog in?  Check.
Dog out? Check.
Dog banned from further decision-making? Check.
Malbec poured?  Check.

Remember about Nana and the vegan cupcake cookbook she gave me for Christmas? Well, it's 6:11 in the American Southwest, baby, and it's about to go down.

In other words, I am about to inititate the most epic Friday Night Vegan Cupcake Marathon the world has ever seen. I'm going to make vegan cupcakes until I run out of ingredients, alcohol, or stamina.

On the roster:
Pistachio Rosewater Cupcakes
Dulce Sin Leche Cupcakes
Mucho Margarita Cupcakes
Maple Cupcakes with Creamy Maple Frosting and Sugared Walnuts
Gingerbread Cupcakes with Lemony Frosting
Your Basic Chocolate Cupcake
Golden Vanilla Cupcakes

6:24 pm
Getting so pumped!  INGREDIENTS LAID OUT!!!  PISTACHIOS! EARTH BALANCE NATURAL BUTTERY SPREAD! SOY MILK!  YEEEAAHH!!  SHOWING BIG MUSCLES FOR TO SCARING PEOPLES!!

Oh God - where's my Chapstick?

6:41
Could probably use a little more Malbec.

7:02
BAM!  Basic Chocolate Cupcakes in the oven!

7:10
Necessary bowls and measuring cups washed. Beaters licked.  And also washed. Book opened to Pistachio Rosewater Cupcakes. Not sure what rosewater is yet, although I tasted rose ice cream once in Cyprus and didn't care for it.  (I know! Ice cream! And still-!) Let's see if there's any redemption for rosewater in cupcakes.

7:13
NOW WAIT A MINUTE YA'LL THIS DANCE AIN'T FOR EVERYBODY ONLY THE SEXY PEOPLE SO ALL YOU FLYYY MUTHA'S GET ON OUT THERE AND DANCE DANCE I TELL YA

7:15
OOH BABY BABY BABY BABY OOH BABY BABY B-B-B-BABY PUSH IT GOOD PUSH IT REAL GOOD OWWWW! SALT-N-PEPA'S HERE

7:35
Rosewater really does smell like perfume, doesn't it?

7:43
Folding in the pistachios - lalala!

7:44
PISTACHIOS!

7:45
PISSSSTTAAACHHEEEEEOOOOSSSS

7:47
Oven.

7:49
ALL I WANNA DO IS KERPOWGERPOWGHKERPOWGH AND TAKE YOUR MON-AYY

7:50
Washing dishes. I don't like washing all these dishes every three-and-a-half minutes. Next time I go on a cupcake-making spree, I'm renting someone to wash my dishes.

7:51
More Malbec, yes please, thank you.

7:53
I'M ON A BOAT MOTHERFUCKAH TAKE A LOOK AT ME STRAIGHT FLOATIN' ON BOAT ON THE DEEP BLUE SEA SOMETHIN SOMETHIN WIND WHIPPIN OUT MY COAT YOU CAN'T STOP ME MOTHERFUCKER CUZ I'M ON A BOAT

7:55
Alright. What next? Margarita cupcakes.  Darn straight. These suckers have tequila in them. Tequila!

7:56
Where the hell do I keep the tequila?

7:57
Freezer. Of course. Who doesn't keep their tequila in the freezer?

8:13
Switched to Itunes which requires less thinking than Spotify.

8:18
Rosewater or not, these puppies smell amazing. Like perfume if it was a cupcake. Except also like food. Like edible perfume.

8:22



8:47
Mucho Margarita cupcakes - in the oven!

8:53
Did you know that, when I was a teenager, I read science fiction and fantasy almost to the exclusion of everything else? People are always surprised by that. I guess it's because I'm so cool now.

8:59
Maple cupcakes look like too much work. Let's do the vanilla ones since they're the ones I'm addicted to.

9:30
Vanilla cupcakes are baking.  This might be it, friends, because I've got four kinds of cupcakes accomplished, and  there's still frosting to consider. Vegan or not, a cupcake's not much of a cupcake without frosting.

9:43
I'll make the rosewater glaze for the pistachio rosewater cupcakes first and see how things go. I'm probably going to run out of confectioner's sugar even before I run out of steam. Although the steam, I have to tell you, is suffering from a terrible lowering of pressure.

9:50
Gaw! Broke my sifter!

9:54
The vanilla cupcakes sank in the centers!  According to the cookbook, this may be because the oven was too hot. (The other option was "too cold", but after three-and-a-half hours of preheating, I'm guessing the problem was not a cold oven.)

9:56
Uh-oh. Meant to halve the rosewater glaze recipe, but forgot and used to whole amount of margarine. I'm still going to halve everything else. Down the rabbit hole we go.

9:58
Rosewater just does NOT smell like something you should eat.

10:32
OMG I LOVE THE POGUES!!! The rosewater glaze came out fine, by the way. Maybe the dry Arizona air has something to do with the fact that it could clearly never have worked if I added the correct amount of margarine.

10:40
Done. Done. And done. But not everything is frosted, because I've had far too much malbec to make more frosting. Who knows how things would turn out.  Not good, probably. I'm gonna go step outside to see if the lights are on over at the Vegan Neighbors' house.

10:46
Smells like rosewater and tequila in here.  Oh my gosh, I'm delighted by that! Some lights are on over there at the Vegan Neighbors', but not enough for me to go knock on the door. Maybe I'll wait until tomorrow to deliver cupcakes.

10:53
Have. Licked. Too. Many. Beaters. Cupcake pictures tomorrow for proof because I can't work past the sugar in my bloodstream tonight. I'm either about to go to bed, take a hot bath, or pass out on the couch.Or the floor. Or while leaning against the stove. Or some combination of all of the above. The sugar'sworse than the malbec. This is terrible.

10:55
Oh come on. We all knew seven different types of cupcakes was never going to happen. I only had 50 baking cups, for heaven's sake. Do not look at me that way.




*Anyone else hear hot new band name here?