Thursday, June 28

may the cake be EVER in your flavor!

"Wait - wedding party schmedding party - 
You picked us all to compete in some screwed up Wedding Hunger Games didn't you? 
Damn it - Who's gonna be my Peeta?"
Erika Swain, Bridesmaid 

Tired of attending normal, boring weddings 
where most of the guests survive...? 

...then join us this summer for
The First Annual 
Wedding Hunger Games

Only ONE member of the bridal party will remain standing at the end of the Reception. 
(Up on the head table, half-naked, and swigging champagne from a bottle, naturally.)
Will it be YOU?

One bridal party out of the tens of thousands formed this summer has been chosen at random to participate in an epic battle to the death.  This July, attend Laura and Trevor's wedding and watch assorted childhood friends, college roommates, siblings, and possibly favorite pets wearing adorable bowties engage in a bloody fight for survival during the first ever Wedding Hunger Games.

This year's bride and groom have selected ten tributes to participate in what is sure to be the most heart-pounding Wedding Reception of all time

Imagine, if you will. The carefully shaven and coiffed male and female tributes, their toenails and other parts made fancy by elite stylists chosen by the bride and groom, enter the Reception Hall in pairs and take their places at the Head Table.  The Reception Hall quiets as hundreds of guests eagerly await the Tapping of the Wineglass. 




Before the ring of the last tap fades, the tributes are off, vaulting over the Head Table, lunging for tiny silver forks, candles dripping with hot wax, abandoned stilettos...anything that can be turned into a weapon.

Expect the first several minutes to be nothing if not a bloodbath as the bridal party fights for control of the open bar, the DJ's cd collection, the Cake Table, and the Bathroom in the Lobby. For whoever has access to these key strategic points has access to life.

Place your bets early and pay close attention to the Powerpoint screen suspended above the Reception Hall. The faces of those who perish during the initial bloodbath and in the hours to come will flash across the screen, making it simple to keep track of who is still alive in the Reception Hall.

Those who survive the bloodbath will quickly disappear into the dim crevices and corners of the Reception Hall, finding safety under tables and carving territory from the Bathroom in the Lobby. The wiliest of these shed their ties and shoes and move like wraiths through the forests of linen-draped tables, camouflaging themselves among the Wedding Guests, sneaking a bite of chicken here, a sip of champagne there...biding their time and merely surviving.

The more support a tribute has the longer he or she can survive. And the longer the Wedding Hunger Games last, the more thrills the audience can expect. (Everyone knows a long Reception means People Dancing on Tables.) To that end, one of the newlyweds' parents will act as mentor to each tribute, offering

"Do NOT approach the bouquet,
even if no one catches it and it's just lying there on the floor like some pile of discarded old socks
and you think it would be so easy to rush in and scoop it up...
the bouquet is a TRAP."

Emotional support: 
"Hey, I'm drunk too!

And well-timed gifts that could mean the difference between 
a shockingly painful and possibly fiery death 
"Take this garter - it might come in handy."

Furthermore, the tributes are encouraged to form alliances with one another. See how the Best Man is making out with Bridesmaid #3 behind the fake potted plant over in the corner? Those two have a much better chance of surviving the Reception as a team than the others who have chosen to go it alone. Of course, you mustn't forget that at the the end of this night, the Best Man can't really go home with Bridesmaid #3, no matter how single and willing she is, because...

 ...only one bridal party member 
can survive

The 2012 
Wedding Hunger Games

May the cake be EVER in your flavor!

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