Sunday, June 3

you're a LOT of nuts

The problem with Facebook is that it's perfect for those of us with attention-span-deficiencies that haven't responded to traditional treatments. It's my best reason for why I don't blog as much as I used to.

"Best" meaning "worst".

Here's an example of why it's easier to Facebook than to blog:

I could go onto Facebook right now and type

I have twelve pounds of nuts in my freezer

and hit "post". If people believe I've provided a strong foundation statement, a "conversation" (if you will) will form almost instantaneously around my new status.

I really don't even have to form a complete sentence. I could simply write

Twelve pounds of nuts in the freezer, yo

and sixteen people would like my status, someone would demand to know what kind of nuts, someone else would want to know where I got twelve pounds of nuts and how come I put them in the freezer, a couple of people would list their favorite types of nuts, at least three wiseguys would crack off-color nuts-in-the-freezer jokes, someone might make a politically savvy comment about the relationship between nuts and presidential campaigns, someone would recall with bittersweet fondness something I did with a nut back in college, and, inevitably, someone would call me nuts.

I could be involved in the "conversation" or not, as I pleased. I could egg on the off-color-joke-making people or I could simply "like" their jokes and roll my eyes in secret. There would have to be no introductory paragraph, no citing of references, no moral to the story at all.  No story at all. People wouldn't question the veracity of my statement. They wouldn't require elegant segues between the discussion of favorite types of nuts and the questions about where I got the nuts or any logical conclusions as to the ultimate meaning of the nuts and why we should care considering the current state of the economy - which is good because we all know by now how bad I am at elegant segues and logical conclusions.

By tomorrow, people will have tired of making frivolous and/or political comments about nuts, and we'll all have moved on in a big, enthusiastic, lovable, galumphing herd to the next topic - for example:

"Why does my cat throw up on things a LOT?"

That's Facebook. Then there's blogs. A blog functions in Opposite Facebook World which is an actual place*.

Take every statement I made above and say its opposite. That's what it's like to have a blog. I have to introduce my topic, propel the conversation forward without the benefit of having other people's jokes to distract my readers or guide the post in more interesting and possibly hilarious directions, and write more than a single sentence and/or sentence fragment in any given sitting. In my blog, accurate citations usually are the least of my concerns since no one knows about the nuts in my freezer but me and my Guatemalan (Jenny, personal communication, June 3, 2012) and *I make things up a lot.  But I do have to come up with elegant segues and logical conclusions. Or at least I'm supposed to.

Here's how things usually go, blog-wise: An idea forms, usually while I'm trying to fall asleep. I let it simmer for a few hours (while I sleep) and when I feel ready - when my idea is fleshed out enough to commit it to screen, and I'm reasonably awake, I turn on the computer and get ready to write it down.

...But first, a quick peek at Facebook would be acceptable, right? Just a quick peek. Just to see who had their baby or whose horse won another prize or whose tomatoes are finally blushing red. Just a brief glance to find out what important changes have occurred in the lives of my friends and to say happy birthday to those whose birthdays it is, thereby rendering my obligation to be a responsible member of society complete.

And, as I scroll down through the hundreds of succinct and sometimes hilarious status updates and the bright pictures of flowers and babies screaming look at me I am beautiful and adorable! and all those images gleaned from the internet at large bearing their little perfectly written nuggets of internet wisdom ("It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more wine."), my brain switches into attention-deficit-mode, and whatever I was going to post in the blog instantly condenses itself into a single sentence (if!), and three seconds later the comments start coming in and I lose all motivation to expand. And instead of navigating over to the blog, I decide to stay for awhile and see where the "conversation" goes.

Awkward segue: And okay, so in conclusion, there are currently twelve pounds of nuts in my freezer. That's a lot of nuts. Eight pounds of walnuts, and, even better, four pounds of hazelnuts. Name one other person who right now has access to four pounds of hazelnuts. You can't do it!

Why do I have twelve pounds of nuts in my freezer? Oh, I'm sure we'll talk about that later! But right now I can feel my attention wandering...

...I'm gonna go ask Facebook if they know people with four pounds of hazelnuts in their freezer besides me.   And they better not.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You need to 'just say no' to Facebook. Anything that keeps you from real writing is a waste of your time and talent. Really.