Wednesday, January 31

If You Think You Want Kids...

We now have PROOF that puppies can ONLY be NOTHING MORE THAN amazing little miracles sent down to earth by some BENEVOLENT deity. Allow me to prove it to you.

In the past three weeks Lila has:

1. learned how to lift the toilet seat with only her nose.

2. learned how to lift the hamper lid with only her nose.

3. kept us up for several nights in a row solely by using her voice to impress upon us the severity of her impending diarrhea. (Dogs are smart.)

4. learned that the easiest way to get chicken for every meal is to have diarrhea every two hours every night for at least three nights in a row. More if you haven't just been spayed. (Oh that's some nice drugs.) (And chicken is apparently good for diarrhea.)

5. learned that white stuff falling from the sky is not only not dandruff but it's also very, very cold and she'd just as soon be inside curled up by the heater. Thank you.

6. learned how to get up on counters/tables/beds/Jenny by using only her gigantic front paws, her extremely well-developed sense of balance, and the magical chicken/sock-sensing springs apparently built into her hind legs. (Handy, those.)

7. learned that, upon making a kill, it is better to sneak your prey (i.e. shoes/socks/underwear) immediately into your den (i.e. crate) rather than consuming it in public (i.e. the living room) in order to maximize the period of consumption available to you in relation to said prey.

8. figured out, MacGuyver-style, how to open the back door using nothing more than a doorknob, a forgotten Christmas jinglebell, and a well-placed nose.

9. learned that, if you can cry loud enough and for long enough, the shower will eventually relinquish your loved ones. But, as we all know, that's a big "if".

10. determined through intensive scientific research that oranges are good to eat, but carrots are really only good for chewing. Or, as we in the scientific community like to say, "masticating".

11. established herself supreme head leader of a puppy coup to take over the world. (This one is not actually true.)

Sugar and spice, man, sugar...and...spice.


Wingal said...

Cedric lays on the bathroom rug, too. Though he doesn't cry... unless I've neglected to feed him, at which point he "MOW"s at me. To be perfectly honest, animals have actually already achieved world domination. By the way, when Ced was having big time diarrhea, the vet told me to give him Kaopectate (sp?). And it worked, though it was a pain in the ass to give (what with the spoon, drippy distasteful liquid and all. To Lila, my sympathies.

To you guys... hehehehehe...

Jenny said...

Hey, speaking of diarrhea, are you coming to visit me and Lilitza this spring?


Linda Faye said...

Sorry about the diarrhea, Jenny (or maybe I should address that to Lila. Our big ol' collie Heather, and our current little feisty terrier Chloe, have both been talented upchuckers. What are we doing wrong? We feed them ordinary, good quality (IAMS dry dog food. Oh well, at least Chloe's offerings are much smaller than Heather's were(we would come home to Heather's deposit of three feet square + of indeterminate rotting-corpse-smelling stuff; we were never sure if it was anal or oral...but perhaps I'm getting too graphic, here)
Moving on: For Chloe, we cook up a batch of orzo and mix in a bit of it with every feeding of dog food. Works like a charm. Or more likely, works like glue.
Lila sounds like a wonder dog, and I am moved to say: "SOME DOG!", a la Charlotte's Web. She seems to have a particularly talented nose. What will she do next? Shovel snow?I can't imagine a life without dogs, can you?
Love, Aunt Linda

Jenny said...

I remember Heather!

I'm hoping that the next thing Lila does with her nose is help dig postholes for the back fence. So far, no dice.

sam said...

Apparently, if you pretend you are planting tulip bulbs dogs will sometimes dig holes for you...or just dig up the bulbs. Fortunately Clifford isn't a digger, he is however a squatter and layer on of recently planted materials. Fun, fun, fun! Makes me excited to go into the yard and see all my smushed plants. Oh the joy. Sadly Jim isn't much better. Somehow, even though he has smaller feet than me, he's always stepping on something I planted.

Linda Faye said...

Jenny, I just noticed that one of your faves is Trixie Belden. (Mine too).
Did we ever tell you the story of Olivia's near name-change? When Uncle Paul married me and adopted the girls, Olivia (age 4) decided that it was the right time to change not only her last name, but her given name as well: she wanted to be known as "Trixie Belle." (We think she had heard her sisters discussing a Trixie Belden book. She just got the name a little wrong.) I told her that she could absolutely change her name when she was 18, if she still wanted to (she didn't). Privately, I thought Trixie Belle sounded like either (a) a stripper or (b) a dog.
Aunt Linda

Jenny said...

How about C.)someone's favorite horse?

Really, Aunt Linda, I'm surprised you didn't encourage it!

(Do you know the story of how Julie, when asked as a child what she wanted to be when she grew up, answered: "A daddy."?)

Linda Faye said...

This note is for you and Lila, as it pertains to both dogs and archeologists: did you by chance watch the Westminster Dog Shows last night? I didn't see this particular dog, but I read about him/her: a Dachshund that looks for bones on archaeological digs! Do ya think......could Lila become a co-worker?
Just an idea.
Aunt Linda

Julie said...

Why are you telling stories about me? I don't even read this blog!